Travel Blogger Bitches.

After and incredibly arduous trip we arrived at Gold Reef City from Edenvale.

Every article has an intro.That was one.

At 10 am we were asked to meet at the Gold Reef City hotel, because I don’t listen and or read properly, I found myself nearly breaking in to the Gold Reef City Hotel and not the Gold Reef City Casino hotel, a mistake that is easily made.

Their names are very long and similar. Luckily the security guard was there to stop me from opening the gates into the theme park. I could already hear the yelps of terrified teens in the background as I opened a gate to a roller coaster.

They would fly by to their death – with their hands above their head and smiles on their faces.

10am: Arrival and Greetings with coffee.

We arrived at the hotel to meet Thembi, who shits all over you at being awesome. She is a consummate professional and my new best friend.

11am: Apartheid.

The apartheid museum is not the place where apartheid happened yet does have a screening of Invictus for you idiots or as the world likes to call you America.

12am: Theme park

We theme parked so hard I felt like what was like to wake up as George Best, which made the next step hard.

13:00: Buffet at Barney’s.

The food is so good at Barney’s I would pay to get into the theme park just to go to Barney’s, and watch the people. Gold Reef City is perfectly situated between the South and the East to attract the finest species of these two areas. Where else would you go if you had to sell your quad bike?

The rest of the afternoon was spent in our room that was the size of Georgia, you could park a Boeing in the bathroom. I recommend going on a first weekend away to this hotel for one reason only. The toilet has its own door. Your new lovely will never know that you just dropped an album more significant than Sgt. Peppers.

18:00 Back o’ the Moon for Dinner.

They gave us R900 to spend at dinner, some of us saw that as a personal challenge.  The steak was so good, it was like Bach was creating a symphony on my tongue.

After which we sat to enjoy the comedy at Parkers, I was whelmed.

And even asked to shut up, by one of the kind gentlemen taking our tickets at the door, in fact our whole table was asked to keep it down and concentrate on a comedian ruining his reputation.

If you are mates with the Couch Ninja, tell him to stop what he is doing. He is shit.

I cannot understate how brilliant the Service was wherever we went. The team at Gold Reef City Casino know how to treat guests. They were warm and helpful wherever we went. I would recommend a stay there to everyone, if only to experience comfort level “King.”

The Surfer claims that the hotel is A-Maze. I agree.

Follow the shit out of them: Gold Reef City

Brace yourself. Digital Handjobs are about to be delivered. 

All you bloggers are exceptionally wonderful and desperately exceptional. Spending the evening with you was a blessing. I would love to write about you guys, but it would take too long and I’m too lazy.

Thank you.

DCMYF

 

Says she lives for Me-Ovation.

When I started out on the internet, I went through the usual paces of trying my best to download a song for three days and trying my utmost to find some form of naked picture online to make waiting for The Bare Naked Ladies’ “One Week” to download painless, so that I could sit by the computer and try and say chickity china the Chinese chicken quickly enough to sound cool.

I bumbled through the years creating countless blogs that I can no longer find and enjoying ratemypoo.com but never did I realise that this day would come.

I also didn’t realise this was the result I was looking for. When the credits began to roll after winning the World Cup in Jonah Lomu Rugby while fireworks lit the sky of a stadium I don’t know, I knew that was what I was working for. I knew from the moment I picked up my Playstation one remote an hour earlier, I wanted to win the world cup.

You’re beautiful it’s true.

I wanna be beautiful like you.

When I found twitter I saw this as an opportunity to communicate. I saw this as a new method to use my humour in a proactive way. I saw it as we all do, I knew I was playing some sort of game, I just didn’t know what.

The scary thing is, I thought that it was going to be Zooey Deschanel that helped me win this game. My relentless online stalking of her became embarrassing. Before New Girl, I was mentioning her more than a teenage girl in the 90’s quoted Clueless.

Yesterday, I won the internet. For me the credits came up on Twitter and I lobbed my laptop out of the window nearly decapitating a hawker. I won twitter. I no longer need to use it.

My favourite band in the world told me they want to come to South Africa.

I claim not to be a twitter geek. But I am. And if you are a twitter geek, you will know the feeling of being tweeted by gods of rock and roll is similar to playing guitar her to one of their songs.. I came close to the winning twitter before, I was retweted and I trended in Jo’burg.

We haven’t trended anywhere since my uncle tackled FC Smit in the Currie Cup Semi-Final in 1991.

You think you are blindly losing when one day – you mention your hero.

I wrote about my love about this band before. Right here.

I would like to make certain everyone knows that when I refer to my hero, I am not referring to Mike.

I would like to categorically state that I am completely responsible for Third Eye Blind visiting South Africa. I may even be responsible for them knowing about South Africa. (I am going to ignore a fledging relationship with someone who claims to be South African.)

I’m not listening when you say, goodbye.

DCMYF

 

I have got soft.

My skill is mockery and tom foolery and generally I have a witty come-back. I also like to take this on to the internet. Someone will say something and I will have a retort reminding them that they are ridiculous by margin greater than the size of my arse on a long weekend.

However, recently the internet has got strict and I have then got the opposite of resilient. I received spam the other day and started dealing with it. And in a turn I felt really sorry for the man on the other side and I decided to stop.

And I had a really good thing going too.

I am going to share with you what I wrote and not what he replied back to me, twice.
Needless to say, he was excited.

I got a little junk mail asking me if I needed a landscaper.

Well Bobby Baby.

You won’t believe how great your timing is, man. Sometimes you think this old spamming people charade will never work but I have just come into a substantial amount of land that I would like to landscape.

The land at this stage is very arid.

I’m not going to lie to you, Bobby. I didn’t read your whole mail.

What wildlife can you attract to my garden?

How good are you with enclosures?

Some of you might have seen where I was going with this, but Bobby didn’t. So he replied, very excited.

So then, so did I.

Hey Bobby,

I would use Facebook and Twitter to let people know what I was doing. I find that it is a fast resolution. I am unsure how you got my email address. It was like my email was fate@hotmail.com.

As I said earlier, your timing is as close to impeccable as Jeff Goldblum’s performance in, what’s that film called, Chain of Fools.

I am building a large theme park/ holiday resort in three dimensions.

I have acquired the rights for an island just of the coast of Madagascar, I will need very large enclosures in which to keep these animals, and make it feel like a natural habitat. In terms of the land I am not fazed about how it looks but I do think I would like the theme to be pre-historic.

Hopefully the electricity doesn’t let me down.

It’s going to be mind-blowing.

He replied fooking excited, I decided that it was best to leave it. I felt bad.

I like to think I did the right thing.

DCMYF

 

#SSMOZ and chowing like a king Porra

It’s exactly like Lusito Land, except uncle Manny is not going to klap seven ways to a wooden box for kissing his Aunty. It’s exactly like Lusito Land, except you have a place to sit, you know the people and the chef has not got dysentery stuck on his hands like awkward teenagers to walls of the school hall at a dance.

Exactly like Lusito, except you get on with the people because they have culture and tact and no possible criminal records.

So, it’s nothing like Lusito.

It’s not even in the South. It’s in The East. You may well know that in the East and our love for a good buffet. We even turn our cars into a Bains-marie of subwoofers and  expensive ugliness. Not very far down the road you can get a bufett at little Nero’s for only R29,99 and that comes with only a small serving  of e coli.

Blogger events on the East Rand are as rare as seeing the underside of my belly in winter on the banks of the Boksburg dam on a Wednesday – eating a kitten, humanely.

When I was invited to the Southern Sun O.R. Tambo for an evening of Mozambiquen loveliness – I was all in, also considering the Surfer was birhdaying the following day it made perfect sense to sit at a table and eat just enough loveliness to feel guilty the next day.

Just kidding – gluttony.

SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY ROOM MATE HERE!. She is one of a kind.

Do you know that feeling when something is so tasty that you keep eating until you are so uncomfortably full you roll over to feel the food lambast to one side of your stomach like a small landslide?

The food was so lovely The top dog at KFC even stopped in.

Let’s get down to brass tax here, because in the East we talk money.

How much?  Two hundred and ninety of your favourite South African, which is really good considering you will be rolling with Lobster, Prawn and a celebrity MasterChef!

I’m not shitting you. If you love food. Get involved.

Just have a look at these picture here, and tell me, “no.”

DCMYF

 

You can’t take every cough to a Doctor.

I am very excited about the goings on for tonight. The Kooks have been part of all my playlists for as long as I have had an iPod. They formed part of the beauty that surrounds my life whilst walking through the cliché of the soundtrack that is my life.

We all know very well that a large portion of this soundtrack is The Arctic Monkeys, The Libertines and Oasis. Morissey is somewhere in the background complaining.

Look, I am just fucking excited about The Kooks tonight.

Thank you once again to the wonderful people of 5 Gum.

As expected.

This weekend’s highlight was coming close to shitting myself at last night Urban Fitness Lifestyle bootcamp. During the stretches I was very comfortably getting the old hammies a little bit loose when one slipped passed the keeper. I tried to act like nothing happened.

But I was ousted – all I could do, was giggle,  it was an interesting mix of coming close to the embarrassment I have faced in previous similar accounts.

Unlike my sporting days where farting was normal procedure during any exercise.  In fact a fart was a great way to let the lads know that you cared.

When females are involved farting is social suicide. I committed it.

I caught the fit of giggles. So the UFO instructor asked.

The instructor: “Are you okay, Dale.”

Obviously they all know my name because I am so fucking loud.

Dale: “No, I just can’t wait to get home and check if I have shat myself.”

Back to The Kooks.

According to Nash and on BangersandNash.com the set list is as lovely as the first time I found out charming was a fat guy defence.

Here  it is.

Ooh La
See the World
Sofa Song
Down to the Market
She Moves in Her Own Way
Killing Me
Always Where I Need to Be
If Only
Seaside (Acoustic)
Picture Frame (Acoustic)
No Longer
Rosie
Sway
Eddie’s Gun
Do You Wanna
Runaway
Saboteur
Shine On

Encore:
Junk of the Heart
Naïve

DCMYF

 

Jersey Boys it’s <3

If loving musicals is gay call me Liberace, paint me pink and douse me in flowers because I love them, every single one of them. In saying that, I also know when they are shit. More often than not they are. I blame this on going to watch musicals under a bridge near the Witfield dam in Boksburg.

In fact it’s not so much a musical as a possible crack-addict homeless man named Gary with an appreciation for poor beat-boxing and awful times yelps. He gets along, I think. He sings a song of once witnessing a double murder suicide. Explaining to him that this is not the same as killing geese to eat is futile. The homeless are not homeless for lack of being stubborn.

“You’re going to need to get a job Phil!” Bending his lip over and crossing his arms, Phil muses…”No, I fucking won’t,” Phil, king of the corner of Field and Main and proud owner of a cardboard box broken dreams and a crack pipe.

I was invited with a bunch of online influencers by the good people at Tsogo Sun to check out the magic of Jersey Boys at Monte Casino last weekend.  I was told that I was part of a group of influential bloggers, oh my digital sack, I have arrived.

I was later told I filled a gap. Pigspotters child had fallen ill. Nevertheless I am excellent at accepting free shit and went along with my housemate, The Surfer.

I didn’t realise that my evening would involve a backstage tour, free drink and food. Pigspotter is forever in my debt and I may rub and tug the fella next time I see him.

The backstage tour was ludicrous, I haven’t seen organisation like this backstage, and I found only a little better than our production of the Mexican Hat Dance at Tom Newby.  Every single thing in the production of Jersey Boys is live. The cast is huge for the small space needed to operate on.

My highlight had to be the use of the cameras from the 60’s that are delayed on purpose, this is to stay true to the era.

The production is a magical splendour of storytelling in its purist form.  The production is fast and slow and perfectly timed tongue kiss your ear drums with songs you forgot you knew.

You have to go.

How did I feel when I left the show?

Perfect.

DCMYF

 

I am so sorry.

Her name is Anne Hirsch.  Her goal is to ruin good taste.

I remember once playing cricket with my father. I was 6 and indoor cricket was a fairly new thing in the Free State. Free Stater’s on a whole dislike subsidiary sport, one of the main reasons for this is that people from the Free State are so good at the real thing, they don’t need to develop a new method of playing the sport to help people accept them.

I would not dare research this, but if you google, “touch rugby in Bloem,“ a man in khaki’s will come around the corner and give you the world’s finest snot klap. You deserved it, because you should have known better.

When Anne Hirsch isn’t being 100% relevant and in touch with pop-culture she is writing her equally funny bio.

I was watching the cricket and in the opposing team was a man who could not bowl and had to bowl underarm. At first I understood, because he wasn’t good at sport, that he must come from Johannesburg and I felt a mass amount of pity and shame for him – I didn’t know where to look.

That’s how I felt when something found its way into my timeline today. Now we’re all familiar with the name Hirsch, it bludgeons our eardrums so hard one can’t articulate the damage thanks to Lucy. In either a genius move from the housewares company to take the heat off Lucy or just an awkward attempt at comedy a new Hirsch is playing a less obvious, I will make you squint, cry and cringe at the same time.

I didn’t know where to look and didn’t know if I should make you do it. It’s like watching a little monkey die of playing with an electric fence on camera, with all your heart want to help it, you want to tell it that if it stops it won’t look ridiculous – but you can’t. It’s too far gone.

This is as damaging to the reputation of South African talent as SABC’s ‘So you think you’re funny.’ Interestingly, a show she won at some point that no one remembers it ever being on.

Like a train ploughing through a juvenile prison, you don’t want to, but have to stare. It’s awkward.

I must warn you that watching this video will give you the similar displeasure of walking in on a colleague defecating, or as I like to call it – every Wednesday.

DCMYF